Maybole declares Independence

April 1, 2019

In a surprise move influencers from Maybole have stepped forward today to announce an unexpected solution to the ongoing debate nationwide debate about Brexit. Spokesperson William Amadan (WA) agreed to share details and outline his vision for the town's future in an exclusive interview with Maybole Alternative Facts (MAF).

 

MAF - How long have you planning this move?

WA - We starting looking at this option in the summer of 2016, but have only really worked out the details in the last few weeks. We felt the ongoing uncertainty in Westminster needed to be resolved and Maybole would be the ideal town to take a lead.

MAF - What is the new status going to look and feel like for residents?

WA - Everyday life is not going to change much. Obviously we won't set up hard borders, however we need to ensure that the local economy is protected from undesirable developments. This means we'll reconfigure the speed cameras already in place on the A77 to scan and track vehicles entering the town. If a vehicle simply transits, no further check will be required. If a vehicle however frequently moves between Maybole town boundaries and other places, we'll have to investigate the reason. People simply deciding to shop elsewhere won't be acceptable, there are numerous local businesses that need to be and should be supported. In fact, we're planning to draw up a list of local businesses deemed to be worth supporting.

MAF - No doubt there will be high interest among local businesses to be included on this list. How can they join?

WA - (laughs uncontrollably) Sorry, isn't that obvious? (pauses) Guess I better explain: you will have to submit a form and state your reasons for joining the scheme. Being listed as a charity will work in your favour, no matter what services you offer. We'll even work to give you access to local transport schemes, so day visitors from neighbouring areas can be brought to Maybole. A captive clientele for you! And we promise not let them leave before they have reached a minimum spend per person.

MAF - (shifting slightly uncomfortably on the seat) Any other plans to make Maybole Independence a success?

WA -  We have selected a large team of consultants who sadly missed out on a contract for the UK government. But their loss is our gain, we negotiated a competitive deal which will see us only pay 20% than UK government declared too much. To be honest, they are real entrepreneurs, they have only just...

MAF - (cuts in with a gasp) ... started business and have no experience? But surely...

WA - (a bit impatient) Aye... oh, unfortunately choice of word... I meant: of course we have every confidence that they can deliver the service we need. They look like they can hit the ground running. They were helping out with the Terms and Conditions for a business start-up in Sheepsdoor recently, I think that's what the place somewhere down south was called, and said it really engaged the media in the process.

MAF - So we can look forward to exciting trade deals for the town?

WA - No doubt. We'll sign deals with exciting places like Kilmarnock, Little Cumbrae, Neave Island, Mingulay and Swona. Biggest trade deals ever, it's going to be massive. What could possibly go wrong?

 

MAF will keep you informed on progress.

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